Before I went through immigration, my friends gave me the biggest hug. We laughed about the frivolity of a send-off for a week-long trip. I waved to them through the glass doors, saw them a week later, and didn’t think much of it.
Seven years on, I’m preparing for a similar trip in September, again to the US. This time, however, one of my friends is no longer with us.
How to create joy before anyone dies
The recent box-office hit How To Make Millions Before Grandma Dies took South-east Asia by storm.
On a Saturday night, after our toddler had gone to sleep, my husband and I sneaked out of the house (don’t worry, kiddo was cared for) to watch a late-night showing of the film. Not knowing what to expect, I packed a cardigan and a pack of tissues.
No spoilers here, but barely five minutes into the movie, I started hearing sniffles from the row behind us. I thought I was doing quite well until the last couple of minutes, when I completely broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably.
I’m fortunate to have experienced only two life-altering losses in my life so far. First, my maternal grandmother, who was my primary caregiver in my early years; second, my friend Seets, who died at age 28 from breast cancer.
When confronted with death, I inevitably think about my relationship with these two people who shaped my life in more ways than I could ever imagine. A friend who knew the darkest, ugliest parts of me, but loved me anyway. A grandmother who was the personification of unconditional love, who always made the best of every situation, who taught me right from wrong.
In the wake of their passing, the cliches became reality: Grief came in waves. I felt denial, anger, did a lot of bargaining, fell into depression, and then moved into acceptance – not necessarily in that order.
Well-meaning friends asked if I have any regrets. With some benefit of hindsight, I am glad to say I don’t have any.
That realisation alone is a privilege. While I cannot speak for Seets and my grandmother, and if they both had any regrets on their end, as far as I know, we left no stone unturned – no conflict unresolved, no words left unsaid. Our bond provided safety to share just about anything with each other, especially if there was tension.
What I held on to, months and years after they left this earth, were the seemingly frivolous things we did for each other.
ST ILLUSTRATION: MANNY FRANCISCO
When I was seven, my grandma would lovingly cook my lunch from scratch and deliver it to school for fear that I would not like canteen food.
At age 12, it was my turn to take care of grandma after she suffered from a debilitating stroke that affected her mobility, speech and quality of life – leaving us to make the incredibly painful decision to move her to a nursing home for better care.
In my 20s, travelling two hours to see my grandma, and singing to her for hours just to see her crack a smile.
And with Seets, spending hours texting each other about our new favourite zi char restaurant, the latest political developments in our country, and experimenting with “Good Morning” stickers to see which would spark joy.
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Live a life you’ll remember
Time and again, I’ve come back to an ancient proverb I’ve kept close to my heart: “Teach us how short our lives really are, so we may be wise.”
In different seasons, different choices mark a memorable life. In teenhood, it may be an epic night out; in our 20s, it may be celebrating a job promotion or engagement; in our 30s, it could be celebrating with friends or a new home... and the list goes on.
I don’t think it’s possible to live a life without regrets. I’d initially titled this piece “How to live life with good regrets”, which quickly descended into many other questions around what defines a good regret. Can a regret even be good?
For a laugh, I asked ChatGPT the difference between a good and a bad regret.
“The quality of regret depends on how effectively it contributes to our personal growth and well-being. Good regret fosters learning, motivation and positive change, while bad regret can be harmful and counterproductive, focusing more on negativity and self-defeating thoughts,” says OpenAI.
But perhaps life isn’t about minimising regrets or labelling them good or bad, especially when you look back on the people you lose from your life.
Because in the end, what I’ve learnt is that we cherish what we did do and say – even if executed imperfectly. If within our control, it is possible to leave no stone unturned.
The cliches are true: Say “I love you”, have the hard conversation, ask for forgiveness, extend the olive branch, go the extra mile. It does come with a caveat: Try not to do it, or say something, out of spite. Definitely do not use the opportunity to wound someone else.
Let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with one another. If no one remembers, at least you will.
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