Many, many people would have killed to swop places with me. And yet there I was, in an experience of a lifetime, feeling kind of annoyed.
The concert itself was not what was getting on my nerves. It was a great concert, with a lot of content, and a testament to the stamina and bladder control of the youthful. What got to me was how other people were experiencing the concert.
To my right was a man in his 50s who likely got lost on his way to the doctor’s waiting room. As essentially everyone around him was dancing, screaming (and some crying), he sat dispassionately in his seat for nearly the entire time, playing a game on his phone. He had the general vibe of a man waiting for a prostate exam.
The game-playing curmudgeon really cheesed me off. Why even bother coming at all if you are not going to ever be present? It’s almost like he seemed determined to be miserable, almost to prove a point.
This annoyed me enough that I almost wanted to say something to him. I didn’t, of course, because I was also busy being annoyed at the people behind me who were screaming at the top of their lungs – not very melodically – every single word of every single song.
“Is that what people do at concerts these days?” I asked myself. “Back in my day, we paid a lot of money to go to concerts to listen to a professional singer sing, not our fellow concertgoers. If I wanted to listen to very loud out-of-tune warbling, I have my upstairs neighbour.”
It was as I was thinking these annoyed thoughts that I caught myself: “These people are living their lives. Is this really worth getting annoyed over? What is wrong with you?”
In that moment, I realised what the problem is. The transformation has begun. I have entered the next phase of ageing. I am turning into a grumpy old man.
Do men really get grumpier as they age?
My transition from “chill older dude” (self-declared) to grumpy-ish old man was not entirely unexpected. I have seen many men get progressively more crotchety, cantankerous and testy as they aged. I won’t name names. They are grouchy enough as it is.
So I knew slowly becoming someone who hates everything is a thing that happens to people, that men go through. I just didn’t know if it was going to happen to me.
Now, I know that some women have also become grumpier as they age. It’s just that in the non-representative sample known as people I know, it has been far more likely to happen to the men. That said, I am also aware of some very morose young people who have mellowed as they aged.
So before I get letters, just know that I am aware that there are many exceptions to the grumpy old man stereotype. I’m just not writing about that today, okay? It’s about me and my grumpy self. Harrumph.
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Now, there are many possible reasons why men get more short-tempered with age.
Some scientists attribute this mood shift to declining levels of testosterone. They say research shows that – contrary to popular belief linking aggression with high levels of testosterone – lower levels of the hormone can make people cranky. This theory makes some other scientists cranky because they don’t think all this grumpiness can be down to a single hormone.
I tend to agree with the latter group. Without even really thinking very hard (thinking hard makes me surly), I can actually come up with a very long list of reasons for people like me to be unhappy.
For one thing, there is the pain.
If you are ever in the company of some older gentlemen and somehow run out of conversation topics, just ask them about their aches and pains. You’ll see their faces light up, provided one of the aches is not on the face.
Past a certain age, a man’s body and mind start to disagree over what sorts of physical exertions are still feasible.
For example, once a week, my mind tells me to play football (at least pretend to), and so I obey. For the remaining six days of the week, my body reminds me that my mind is a moron. I can barely walk up the stairs. It takes a long time to recover, just enough for my mind to forget what caused the pain and go for another round of football.
There are other sorts of declines as well. Let me warn you young people of just five: First, the hair starts to go; second, the hearing and eyesight get worse; third, short-term memory loss; fourth...
For some, there is also a palpable loss of standing. It can feel like no one cares about your opinion any more. What you think are pearls of wisdom, other people treat like the mindless rantings of someone on the verge of senility. What you think are incredible war stories of what it was like in your time, younger people treat like the desperate throes of a man trying to hold on to past glories.
Increasingly, your wife starts talking about you in the same way she talks about your toddler. “Don’t mind him,” she says. “He hasn’t had his nap.”
ST ILLUSTRATION: CEL GULAPA
All this is exacerbated by the perception that life’s battles have been fought and there is little upside to trying. “I’ve nothing left to prove,” us grumpier old men tell ourselves. “I don’t have time to be nice to idiots.”
As one ages, the passage of time becomes more salient, and you will hear us start a lot of sentences with “Who has time for...” or “I don’t have time for...” or “What a waste of time”.
To be fair, some of these things also happen to women, but for some reason, the grumpy stereotype has been attached solely to men. One theory put forward by scientists is that women tend to have more outlets for their frustrations. They discuss and work through their feelings with their friends. In general, men don’t do that – or at least, I don’t.
I prefer to bottle it up. I would simultaneously not tell anyone what is going on with me while getting upset that no one seems to understand me.
Now you are also probably thinking: “Jeremy, while some of these things sound logical, surely you, a sprightly 40-something with youthful complexion and debonair good looks, are too young for any of this to apply.”
Why thank you, how kind of you. Yes, you are right. I am not yet a fully fledged grump. But I can feel it happening and I thought I should try to get ahead of it.
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But can the grumpy train be stopped?
When I noticed the transition happening, I decided to tackle this problem by trying to take a more youthful approach.
“What would a young person do?” I asked myself. And so I asked ChatGPT. I followed it up with an old-fashioned search, and then even more old-fashioned reading of words printed on dead trees.
Basically, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that, as far as I can tell, yes, there is a way to stop the train to Grumpytown, or at least slow it down.
For instance, experts suggest finding a purpose and staying connected. They say us grumps should not fixate on all the things that are making us crabby, and instead appreciate and embrace what is bringing us joy. It can be anything: children, a cause, a hobby – unless, of course, your hobby is complaining.
The book How To Know A Person by David Brooks points out that being grumpy can create a grouchiness vicious circle. He says that if you are ill-tempered as you go through the world, the world will be ill-tempered right back. Essentially, grumpy begets grumpy.
“Each of us has a characteristic way of showing up in the world, a physical and mental presence that sets a tone for how people interact with us... A person who beams warmth brings out the glowing sides of the people she meets, while a person who conveys formality can meet the same people and find them stiff and detached,” he writes.
Right, so that’s the good news. The bad news is that if you really sit down and think about it as I did, all the proposed solutions to stop being grumpy boil down to something simultaneously difficult and also quite obvious.
That’s right, after all my research and reflection, it is basically a state of mind, something each one of us can just decide to do.
Essentially, the answer of how to not be a grumpy old man is already inside the question. If you want to stop being grumpy, you have to stop being grumpy. And that’s it. What a waste of time. Harrumph.
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